Athena looked towards the broken glass and for a minute she felt like she was back in her horrific childhood. She had been eight when she came home one day to find a frightening chill hovering over her house.
She slowly prayed to God for her instincts to be wrong. But as she made way into the house she realized her prayers weren’t being answered anytime soon. She called for her mother as she and her brother entered the hallways. But they never got a reply. Quickly she made way into the bedroom and saw the figure of her mom lying on the bed. But instead of greeting them like usual she began crying in delirium and Athena realized how serious the matter was when she saw her face. It was swollen to one side and an eye was turning black already. He had done it again.
Athena heard sounds which failed to form legible words come from her mother’s trembling lips. She felt an urge to be mother to her own parent, and hugged her. Then left the younger brother in the room and went for the phone. She had the doctor’s number memorized by now. “Its my mom,” she told him, “she fell off the stairs,” the lie came naturally.
…………..
Athena knew that sometimes kids paid for their parents mistakes and she had come to terms with this reality early on.
This is why everytime her father injured her or her brother, or beat her mom, she told herself sooner or later she would come out of it alive. It was only a matter of time. So everytime her father made his routine beatings and then cried and begged for their forgiveness, Athena waited for the day to arrive when she would let him know that she had never forgiven him.
……….
That day came and went, and Athena realized one day that her father had turned into a fragile old man, alone in life from his own faults, who wished to have a second chance. But there were no second chances in life. He could neither return the vengeful children their lost childhoods, nor could he restore his wife a youth she had never been able to enjoy completely. The pain was long gone but the hurt remained still, etched in their memories and hearts forever. The way he had not only hurt but insulted them each time. That insult would fashion all their personalities for years to come. He couldn’t even ask to be trusted, for trust is fragile and cannot be summoned up at will. All he had then, was a love, that nature bound them with. A love without care, expectation or even hope
. Her mother had once told her that she felt disgusted by her husband so much he had seemed like a stranger in bed. Yet when Athena asked her why she remained married to him, her mother had only one response: “its complicated.” Athena failed to understand what that meant – until now. —-
And the multi colored pieces of broken glass reminded Athena how she had stumbled onto a relationship so different from her mother’s and yet so much alike. He was nothing like her father. He was so much more of a companion to her than anyone else had ever been. But then it happened. It was more horrible than she had ever imagined it would be. With every episode she felt like she had lost a part of herself. A part that trusted and respected him. But each time he asked to be forgiven, she would. But forgiving was not the same thing as forgetting. She could ask her heart to love him unconditionally again, but she couldnt stop her mind from throwing those painful memories at her at the strangest of times. And
the worst part of those memories were the glimpses of his eyes glaring at her, spitting respite. As if in those moments she had ceased to be his cherished love and had turned into a cockroach he wanted to crush under his feet. A thing he hated so much he wasn’t afraid to break it. And then came the insult. The insult of knowing that she was no longer the apple of eyes. The degradation his blows caused became a part of her everyday life. When other husbands talked highly of their wive_* and showed love for them she felt uncomfortable, remembering the dark side of their relationship which was completely healthy otherwise. She couldn’t fathom how someone who loved her so much one moment could hate her so completely the next.
All of it had become “complicated”.
——
She reached into the drawer for the pregnancy stick she had meant to show him. The plastic stick gave life to a dream they had always had. A dream of holding a tiny baby in her arms. The maternal part of her struck her emotions and she cried. For herself, for the arriving baby and for the loss of a love so profound.
He saw her crying and came over, and instinctively she hid the pregnancy stick from him. He coaxed and cajoled for a while and she did not know even how to react. He vowed again he would not do this again. As much as she wanted to believe him, she knew better now. She knew children sometimes paid for the mistakes their parents made. That was why she scheduled an abortion without telling him.
She couldn’t do to someone else what her mom had done to her, just because she wanted a kid. That was just selfish. That night, Athena too had to sleep with a stranger in her bed.
